Failures

This may just end up being a jabbering mess, so I apologize ahead of time.

I really just want to stamp my feet and scream for a few minutes.  Life is just getting me down a bit lately.  I really need a break. An escape. Something.

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Nothing new with TheToddler.  Yes he still turns blue/grey but apparently his cardiology team has given up and so we do nothing.   I don't want to give up the fight because something isn't right but I'm losing energy.  No one seems to know or have ideas. No one seems to listen.  I'm failing this fight.

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Fishing Pole is just coming off his  "bad" mode which is a relief but we arent' far enough into the safe zone for me to be comfortable that it's gone for a little while at least.

I hate it when he's in that mode.

I can't help him.

I try to hold onto it desperately by sometimes even the tiniest of threads but still I lose my temper.

I'm helpless and depressed.

Even a bit scared at times. Maybe I wasn't the right mommy for him. 

I don't know what I'm doing here.  Maybe if we had a label to stick on it, it would help me remember and cope better when he turns from my sweet boy into this other child.  PTSD?  Just another symptom of Dysautonomia ?   Something.  

I'm failing him.

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The boys medicaid is still not switched into their new names.  They have been adopted for 2.5months now and we still have to go by the old names at the Dr.  Fishing Pole has emotional /behavioral triggers related to being called the old name.  He also has an outpatient surgery coming up in a few weeks.  I'm trying desperately to get these name changes pushed thru before that date so he can be called by his new name when we go down for it. 

I feel like I'm failing there.

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Spoiled Princess is still having tummy problems. No one has a clue what is going on. It breaks my heart to have her cuddle with me and look up to ask "Mommy, why does my tummy hurt so much all the time?"

I have no answers for her.  I'm failing.

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I decided to surprise Daddy Chaos with a date night out this weekend.  We so seldom have anytime alone that we really need to reconnect.  I scheduled babysitters and planned just a movie/dinner type night for tomorrow.  Something to finally pull me out of this slump & hopefully allow Daddy Chaos & I to get a little closer again.

Naturally things won't go as planned.  I realized Attitude King has physical therapy (hurt shoulder -long story) on Friday in a town 25mins away for an hour. By the time I get home it will be at earliest 5:30 then to gather everyone up and deposit at each babysitter, we wouldn't make it in time for the movie.  I then decided we could really scramble and still save Date Nite by just really coordinating and maybe we'd do semi-fast food instead of sitting down but it's ok, it'll work out.

And then.. Spoiled Princess woke up this morning.  Her throat hurt all.  night.. long.  and yes now she has a fever.  Great.   Fishing Pole then coughs twice, declares his throat hurts (remember he never complains of pain) and the thermometer of doom shows that he too has a fever.

Date night is off.  Normally this would be no big deal. We'll plan it another time, who cares!  But it's really hitting me hard for some reason. I really needed this little escape to just be me for a few hours.  Not someone's mom, someone's dr, someone's shrink or someone's advocate.  Just me.  And I failed.