Saturday, August 7, 2010

Open Letter to My Period

Dear Stupid Period Whom I Detest,

   I am calling it quits with our relationship.. If you can't cooperate and be where you are supposed to be WHEN you are supposed to be, well I'm just tired of putting up with your crap. You and I have always had a good agreement. You come when you're supposed to and leave in a few days.. I can deal with that.. This past week, there is just no excuse. None.

Day 1 - Period due.
hmm, probably I should grab some more tampons 'cuz we're almost out.. I shouldn't have let Drama Queen do the switch over from pads, now she uses all of MY stuff.  Ugh, teens suck. 

Day 2 - Late
hmm, that's odd.  Maybe the computer is stupid and can't calculate this stuff properly.. Probably it's just off maybe a 5week month or an eclipse or too much twilight viewing (can you get pregnant lusting over werewolves who are jailbait?) because me, I'm never late.

Day 3- Really Late
Ok. What the Hell is going on.. This is starting to piss me off.  I am so not pregnant, hello I watched the dr cut those tubes and there is no way Daddy Chaos is recovering from that. It's been 7years, they couldnt' have grown back together could they?  Shit.  I'm blaming the werewolves.

Day 4- Really Really Late
Ok this is just bullshit.  I only acknowledged the possibility yesterday to fool you stupid monthly curse into coming to prove me wrong.. Can't you even play along?  That's it, I'm scheduling sex tonite (with a real person aka D.C. not a werewolf) 'cuz I know you'll be here to ruin that.   *aside- Daddy Chaos does not appreciate being promised some fun times and then denied only because my stupid period did NOT come and ruin the plans and I'm totally not in the mood.. Dude, you weren't really getting it anyway. I was using you as ploy.

Day 5- OMG, So Freakin' Late
I give up. Fine you aren't coming.. Maybe I'm going thru menopause? Am I too young? Ok fine I'm too young.. Shut up.   I must be pregnant.. Fine I can get with pregnant. I always want another baby, but no way in hell am I buying a pregnancy test with 6kids in tow. That just screams -I don't know birth control.. So what if I only gave birth to two of them, no one is going to believe the pregnant by werewolf lusting story.  Although I bet it could get me on Oprah.. hmmmm..wait, Oprah is done.. ok . fine.  How about Ellen?  Omg, I am not the one telling Daddy Chaos.. He's going to kill us both.  But ohh the baby shopping.. awww.

Day 6
You are the stupidest creation to ever hit earth.  Why did you put me thru 5 days of hell only to show up on Day 6 when I had finally accepted it all.. And then be all bitchy stabbing me to death like it's my fault.. Hello?  Stupid witch. 

PS. My family would like to thank you for turning me into a completely crazy person with all these wacked out hormones.  

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