Glimpse of the past

Daddy Chaos and I each have one.  One child that we can not dare try to withhold our claim because they look so very much like us.  Our own little doppelgangers.

You see, once what seems like very long ago...




I looked very much like this :

Drama Queen - 14yrs 8mo

Instead of this :

Momma Chaos- 33yrs 7mo

Every once in a while I find a picture, taken at just the right angle and feel like I'm slipping thru some wormhole back to my teenage years.  You could 100% find a picture of me at 16 and she looks just like me.  It is mystifying yet it makes me proud.  She has so many things that I didn't at her age. No, I'm not talking about money or material items.  She has self-confidence that I didn't discover til much much later.. Heck at 14, she still has more self-confidence than I do at 33. She is outgoing, friendly and just fun to be with.  This girl knows how to flirt already (locking her in her room very soon.. )!

The best thing about her being so similar to me and being my daughter is that naturally I think she's beautiful.   Which in itself makes me step back and look at myself in the teen years.  I guess I wasn't so bad after all. It seems odd to see this pretty girl. This child that has grown into her own beauty and then realize this was me many years ago.

I was a very self conscious teen. Perhaps it came from having an older sister who scorned everything about me. An older sister who always had her hair just so, her makeup perfect, was popular.  I did what most would do in that situation. I rebelled.  I didn't wear makeup until I was 17 (and then a minimum).  I always pulled my hair into a ponytail vs actually doing something with it.  I kept to my little gang of friends and didn't attempt to hang with the more popular crowd, even when they tried.  I hid.  I knew I wasn't pretty, wasn't popular, wasn't enough of anything.

But I was comfortable. Comfortable hiding where no one could call me names or shun me.  Now I'm forced to look back at myself then.  Why did I put myself thru it? Why do we all? I should have embraced my cute days. I should have been happier with that skinny body instead of finding ways to pick it apart.   My teen years could have been much easier if only I had opened my eyes a little and not believed those that chose to push me down.

Looking at her makes me miss myself back then. Hindsight does that I suppose.  The opportunities that were missed.  The way things could have been. Life shapes us all in it's own little ways and while I definitely would never change the path my life has taken, I sometimes wish I had lived life a little more back then vs hiding in the corner.

I am happy that at least I can raise my kids to be proud of themselves. Proud of each unique property they possess.  Each little quirk that makes them different also makes them special.  They are beautiful and happy and that's what counts.

In another 15yrs, I will probably look back on these pictures and kick myself for not being happier about who I am, what I look like.