Monday, December 9, 2013

The Day My Life Changed - pt 1

This is a long story, and one that I've been trying to get out for years. I have given up trying to perfect it and am just going to tell it like it comes from my head. I will also warn you that due to the emotional content, I am not proofreading. Just writing it as is.

13 years ago, I was young.  I was twenty-three with a two and four year old.  It seems impossible to believe considering that four year old will be eighteen very soon.  :sigh:  The years go past so quickly when you aren't looking.

At twenty-three, I was very insecure about my weight.  I weighed then much less than I do now but to me, I felt fat and ugly.  A young mother who gained a total of 40 lbs and never succeeded in losing it all.   Quite frankly before I got pregnant, I weighed 125 and thought I was chunky.  What I wouldn't give for that now.  Hindsight and all.   If only I was that skinny again... as skinny as I was when I thought I was fat.

At that point in my life, I had been married 5 years. Yes, we were high school sweethearts and got married the summer after I graduated.  I was still insecure in my marriage.  I loved my husband with everything that I was, but I was very insecure with my looks , my weight, and my faith in his love for me.  And so I did what many insecure young girls do- I went to the doctor and asked for medication to help me loose my extra weight.  Mind you, I only had about 30lbs to lose to get to my pre-pregnancy weight but I went and asked for help.  I wanted the easy way out.  Give me a pill that will melt the fat off because I don't have time for anything else.  I'm not saying that these medications might not work- honestly I never had the chance to try long enough to find out.  One thing about these medications is that you have to come back in every month for a weight check and then they'll give you a new prescription for the next month.   This backstory really has nothing much to do with the overall point of this series of posts but it can help put you in my  mindset of where I was at that point in my life.

If only we could go back in time and talk to our younger selves.  Age is wisdom, looking back you realize all the silly things you stressed over really didn't mean much of anything in the grand scheme of things.

So, one fine December day, 13 years ago, there was snow on the ground.  At that time in our lives, Daddy Chaos had only been home from Saudi (an AirForce stint) for less than a year and was working 3rd shift.  3rd shift meant he slept during the day , which with a 2 & 4yr old it's not the easiest thing.  We had a small house and loud kids.  And so with the white snow so tempting, I gathered the kids up and went to my mom's house to go sledding.. We spent a bit of time visiting with my grandma (who always lived with my mom for as long as I can remember) and then bundled up and went outside to sled.   If you have ever taken two small children sledding, then you know that you spend twice as much time pulling them back up the hill as you do actually sledding down.  I wore myself and the kids out and we went back inside to warm up.

Eventually it was time to go to my first monthly  weight check appt, so I talked Gma into going with me so she could sit with the kids while I did my quick check. Gma was always happy to run around with me :-)

We headed out in my brand new Alero.  Man, I loved that car.  It was still brand new- we had only had it a month or two, hadn't even made a payment on it yet.  It was my baby.  I loved it and loved driving it.   Back in my younger years, I was a bit of a speed demon (shh, don't tell my mom!) but once I had kids, I drove slow with them in the car.  Also, due to a wreck that my oldest (then 5mo) and I were in with a friend, I was a paranoid driver.  I wasn't afraid of my ability to drive, but paranoid of all the other drivers on the road.  My kids are my everything and I wanted to be make sure they were always safe.

Remember that there is snow on the ground, plenty of snow for sledding but the roads were clear.  There was a little bit of slush in around the center line, if you live in a state that gets snow a lot then you know what I'm talking about.  It didn't affect the driving and you only noticed it if you were passing someone or turning left and had to cross it.

We eventually turned left and onto a different road that had a tiny bit of snow on it. I hit one small piece of black ice (omg , hate that) and immediately slowed down.  When I said I was a paranoid driver, I'm talking driving 40mph due to a tiny bit of slush.  Probably overly cautious, but I was that driver.

I took this picture today to try to illustrate the roads back then.  There was not even this much snow on the roads but you can kinda get the idea.. Plus how cool is this snow gif.. HA!  I love it! 

It was 13 years ago, but I can still remember every detail like it was yesterday...

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