Signs..

I'm pretty sure that I've mentioned before that I am a firm believer in signs. 

No, not a stop sign type sign.

Well I guess I do believe in those too because if I didn't obey them I'd probably get a lot of tickets..

*ahem*

I'm talking about things you experience or see that just seem like a sign that you're on the right path.  Naturally, like most- I also am a firm believer in only believing in said signs if they benefit me.. lol.  I'm fickle like that =)

This morning on the way to the dr with Drama Queen, she made a comment about how she wished all these ugly clouds would go away.  The sky was full of gray clouds and you could barely see any blue shining thru.

Naturally I took that moment to push thru my agenda and said "Gee, if we were in Florida right now I bet we'd have those gorgeous clouds to look at.. Not these ugly dreary skies."

*side note- if you haven't been to Florida before it's something that is pretty much known. Florida has special clouds.  Maybe Disney makes them, maybe it's something to do with so many beautiful beaches that need pretty clouds in the skies above to make it perfect.. I don't know.  I just know that the clouds there are different. *

So we went to the dr and then headed home.  This is what was waiting for us.

Gorgeous puffy clouds.

Beautiful skies that reminded us both of Florida.. 

But then I realized something..  Beyond the clouds I saw something else..

Wide open spaces.

(great, now I sound like a Dixie Chicks song..)

Tree lined streets..

Life where I live now is pretty awesome.  Do I really want to trade that in? 

I'm not sure what these signs are trying to tell me.  

Well except for the last picture.. 

The last picture was clearly telling me I was about to miss my turn to the post office on 3rd street.

                       xoxo,

The CON list for moving far far away to help satisify my over-analyzing psychobabbling mind..

First I know you are thinking what I am , how can there possibly be CONs to moving to the "Happiest Place on Earth" ?  *cue bird singing *

I assure you there are some.  As Essie so kindly pointed out in yesterday's PRO post  there is always the :

"Fetid humidity, reptiles in your yard, mosquito-birds. "

Which I agree are definitely not in the plus side..  Let me also add  Fire ants, Gators and Rattlesnakes - all of which I would put on a negative side of things.

When I previously lived in the Sunshine State -many many moons ago- , we lived in the boonies.  The sticks.  The place where my local meth dealers would love to have access to so they could hide some bodies.

You could hear alligators making that weird noise they make out in the swamp.  If you haven't heard the noise, I can't really explain it but I would know it if I heard it again.

I can recall several rattlesnakes that were killed in our driveway- with a shovel.  

Firmly etched into my brain is the time that we left (in the car- thank goodness) only to find this HUGE Ass snake stretched entirely across our dirt road.  Mom ran that sucker over, backed up and ran it over again, drove forward and ran it over, backed up and ran it over- repeat x 10.  I have a huge fear of snakes probably brought on by my gma's insane fear of snakes & my years spent in the boondocks.

I still remember how badly a Fire Ant bite stings and itches.  I remember running around with meat tenderizer pasted all over my legs bc for some strange reason it took away the pain & itching.

Yet still I want to move there again.  Apparently I wasn't traumatized enough the first time around.   I do hold with the following thoughts though : If we move, it will be to a very populated town.  You never hear of gators roaming the streets & eating up children and small pets in this area.  I haven't not heard of rattle snake sightings here either.  Fire Ants are an evil best avoided.

Regardless, let's get on with my CONs list..


1. It's Far Away..

I've lived in my state for the majority of my life.  I spent a few of my younger years in Florida.. I spent the first 3 years of married life in Utah.  The rest of my 30some years have been spent in this general area. I'm used to this way of life.   Life in the Midwest is slower. It's comfortable.   I currently live in a town of  roughly 6,000 residents.  While my area of choice has a bit over 200k but is jam packed with many smallish towns so that the general area has a population of 2mil +/-.   Yes, I'd say the difference should be kind of obvious.  Life in general is just viewed differently with so many people.

2. New drs..

I am comfortable with the current vast team of drs that see my children. If we move, I will have to quickly seek out new drs and attempt to get comfortable with their abilities to take care of my kids. The lil boys have issues that require many specialists- it's not something I would look forward to.. this having to find new ones...

3. It's hot..

Ok I'm going to have to go with the advantage of no more bitter cold winters will more than beat out the incessant heat that we would have to deal with in the summer months.  Plus (at least in my experience) it seems to rain every darn day at 3pm in the summer  like clockwork, cooling things down.  And so I propose no leaving the air conditioned house unless absolutely necessary until after 3pm.  Plus hello- own pool in backyard.. We can cool off there = )

4. House/Job..

In order to move far far away, we need to sell our house, buy a house down there & Daddy Chaos needs to get a job there.  The problem is- what order to you do it?   Heaven forbid Daddy Chaos get a job there and then this house doesn't sell forever and a day.. We'd be stuck living apart- again.  It stinks too much of military life to me.  No way can we afford to pay a mortgage on this house & buy a house down there..  Although I can't really see selling this house and having no where to go either.. lol. See my problem?

5. Friends/Family..

I kinda did my Cons list in reverse order because this is the one thing that gives me the most pause when I think of packing up and moving.

I *think* I have my parents convinced to move with us.  Dad has too many health issues and scary times in the hospital that I just can't imagine leaving him behind and moving so far away.  I am always too scared of the "What ifs" to intentionally leave without him.  Mom is healthy and has been so I don't feel quite the same if that makes sense.. I think we have been thru so much with Dad. I have sat in the hospital at his side too many times to risk being too far away to be there when he might really need me.   That is one sticking point, if they won't agree to move then I won't move.  As crazy as it sounds knowing I'm a grown adult, I cannot emotionally handle it.  My gma died almost 4years ago and it changed me.  I was wrapped up in my own life, things were hectic and so I didn't go visit her in the hospital because she was going to come home the next day and I figured I'd see her then.  She never came home.  I can't risk it again.

If the parents agree to move too, I still have to think about leaving behind the good friends we've made here.. Cowie & her family who are like a 2nd family to my kids.  My only babysitter..  It's hard to imagine leaving and starting over again.   Change is hard for me sometimes..

Ok I think that's my list..  Right now my Cons are overwelming my mind but I still feel the pull to go..  Daddy Chaos is no help - he says he'll do whatever I want.. Crazy man.

Feel free to add to my list!
xoxo,

The Pro List for moving far far away to help satisify my over-analyzing psychobabble mind..

While contemplating a move from the frosty Midwest to the Sunshine state, the first pro that comes to mind is - no more winter!! I realize it's immediately crossed off with the con of - summer hotter than hades, but still it has to be there.  I should mention that I did live in the Sunshine State for several years in my childhood (gasp. God I'm old.) but it was 4hrs +/- where I am contemplating moving now (Land of Mouse and all.. ) so the temperatures aren't quite the same.

Still.. Ok I'm gonna put my Pros list out and not worry that certain things might be immediately neutralized by my Cons list.

1. No More Winter - No more icy roads. No more bundling up and then bundling up some more just to leave the house.  No more achy joints from the cold (yes I am that old apparently.. or my body has been too abused in it's short life).  The lil boys, they don't do well in the winter.  They are sick the entire winter long most of it junk resting in those asthmatic lungs. Once spring/summer comes they are completely different kids. 

2. Bigger/Nicer House -  Have you looked at the housing market in the Sunshine State?  It's in the crapper to put it mildly.  I currently have in my realtor.com page 76 saved houses that fit my very strict criteria. (5+ bedrooms, 3+ bathrooms, 3500+ sf, screened in pool) Houses that are bigger, newer and over all nicer than my house.   Now don't get me wrong, I love my house. I do.  But I need more space.  I need more bathrooms.  My house is older than I am
an]=-d the layout is not open and I need openness.  Plus if I am going to uproot my  family I need to offer them Better!!  And come on, one of the perks of living in a warmer climate would be having your own pool to jump in whenever you please.  

3. New Job -  Daddy Chaos is currently going to college and when he's done he plans on looking for a job at a few particular companies.  One of those companies happens to have locations in the same area I'm looking..  He is currently very frustrated with his job and we all know how hard it is to continue going day after day to a job that is frustrating.  A job you can't like.  The frustration carries over into your everyday life, it's hard for it not to.  Obviously I realize that the same frustrations could be at a new job but it's a change.. The possibility for better..

4. Disney World..  ok it probably should have been #1 but I wanted you to appreciate the restraint I kept in place by waiting til #4 to even mention it.   As you know, I am a bit of a Disney Freak.. So living close enough to go basically whenever I wanted, well that would be pretty much Heaven..

5. Timing - Everyone is okay with moving right now.  I know that will be different in a few years.  In just 2 years, Drama Queen will be a Junior in high school (o.m.g.  how did that happen?)  and I know that high school is rough enough without changing schools at that point in your life if it can't be avoided.  So at that point, I would wait until she graduated.. Which is fine, but when she graduates Attitude King will then coming up on his Junior year.. Back into the unfair & needing to wait game.  So it's basically now or 5+yrs from now.  Ugh.

6. Thinner Family .. This one just sounds silly but honestly, in the midwest it seems acceptable to be ... Fluffy..  We have long winters and tend to be like bears and pack on the pounds.. We don't shave our legs all winter long (or is that just me?)  and when it's too cold to go out we BAKE..  It's ghastly.   Now this theory might not work once put into practice but it is currently my theory that if we live somewhere that we will need to put on a swimsuit more months than not, it's more motivation to lose the extra flab that currently surrounds us.


7. Distance..  Ok this one I admit is selfish.. I'm conflicted on even listing it here because it colors me in a less than rosy light.  But in the name of 100% honesty, I'm going to list it anyway because it did occur to me.  If you've read my blog for any amount of time then you know that the youngest four of my children are adopted from foster care.  You may also know that I struggle to maintain a somewhat openness to our adoption.  I have an "ok" relationship with at least one of the parents in each sibling set.  Openness is offered to both but in each set only one parent really seems to respond.   Mind you, I don't at this time allow visits because I don't feel it would be healthy for my children.  But I do offer pictures & updates (if requested).   Both sets of biological parents have done stints in prison. Heck some are still in prison.  Both sets of biological parents live within 40 +/-  mins of me.  At this point, neither appear to know my home address but we live in a very small community.  Only one set of biological parents really pose any kind of safety issue and I'm not even sure that it is an issue.   They don't acknowledge boundaries well.  They have violent tendencies and mental health histories.  They have violence related felonies.  While they have never threatened our family, it's still there in the back of my mind. For now, I allow contact. I feel it's not right to judge someone for what they have done in the past.  People can change but they don't always choose to do so.  So, yes distance while it makes me feel like a fraud would also make me feel safer.

Feel free to tear apart my pros list.. or offer more things to add to it =)
                        xoxo,

Ch-Ch-Ch- Changes...

Southern Darlin's therapist always tells me that I think like a shrink.. Who knew? Yet another profession I missed out on.  I tend to agree with her. I can usually analyze things and come up with the same reasoning that she would come up with on why Southern Darlin' or Fishing Pole are acting a certain way.  What makes them tick the way they do.

So it's probably shouldn't be a surprise that I am sitting here psycho analyzing myself.

Life is always complicated.

In some ways, things are settling down.

Drama Queen finally has reached a point in her life that she can let go of the cattiness of teenage girls and has a nice group of real friends.  In fact, for the first time ever she had a huge sleepover (4 girlfriends-- ahhhh!!) whereas before she was "embarrassed" of our large crazy family.   She's settling in and becoming more confident of who she is.

Attitude King finally has that close BFF (although I'm sure guys don't call it that.. whatever..), the one that I always wanted him to have.  The one where they seem to be together every.single.weekend either at his house or ours.   They are buddies!   Attitude King reminds me of myself in school.  I could make lots of friends, no one actively disliked me but I didn't have a lot of super close friends.

Southern Darlin' finally has an IEP in place for the remainder of this year and next.  I finally managed to get her the help she needs in school.  She's bonding & really doing well emotionally.

Spoiled Princess gets overlooked a lot.  She is probably the child who is most like me (which given she's adopted is rather ironic).   She is a pleaser.  She is the perfect child because she doesn't want to disappoint anyone.  She is doing Great in school.  She has no real medical issues. She has 2 BFFs in her class.  She rarely if ever gets in trouble and for a family full of behaviour problems, medical problems & school issues - I feel like she doesn't get talked about a lot here.. She's just happy. ♥

Things are calming down around here on those fronts. I seem to thrive on chaos.. When things get too quiet, I want to pull more in.  Maybe we need another foster baby.  Or oooh I need a KITTEN!!  please! Please! PLEASE!!   Luckily for me, Daddy Chaos knows that the calm only happens before the storm and he's smart enough to hold me off on adding something too quickly.

The storm has hit..

Fishing Pole needs his adenoids out (long story) and as I should know by now, nothing is ever simple with FP.   We went to meet with the dr who did Dimple's T&A surgery two years ago and it was quickly discovered that adenoids removal with a pacemaker is a bit more complicated.   Something about the electrical currents that go thru the body while they are cauterizing can screw up implanted electronical devices.. Great.   And so we are now being referred down to the Children's hospital where we normally get everything for him done.

Joy.

We finally saw the neurologist for Dimples.  I had this huge list of questions/problems/concerns to go over but all I got to do was hand him the last two EI evals and mention that no progress had been made in the past year - he immediately looked over his notes and decided to send us to the Children's hospital to a Developmental Pediatrician for some neuro-genetic testing.. While I'm happy with the referral, I'm a more than a little sad that yet again we are at the point that this dr who I love feels Dimples needs something more than he can offer.  Don't get me wrong, he was very kind but sometimes having a dr be sympathetic to you is more than you can handle.   My special needs moms will understand that, I think.

In the past few days, I have spent all blessed day on the phone with various drs.  Trying to get Fishing Pole scheduled for this surgery.. Trying to round up records to get sent down to Children's for Dimples.  It's crazy.  It's hectic.

And yet now we come to the reason I'm psycho-analyzing myself.   I want to move.  1100 miles away.   I have been finding houses, finding jobs for Daddy Chaos, looking at schools. I have good logical reasons for wanting to move and yet I sit here and wonder if I'm not really just trying to run away from it all.  If I really think that moving to an area so vastly different than where I am now will make everything ok.  Naturally I know it won't.   I don't think this is a solution to anything.  Still I worry that there might be hidden motives.  Hidden so that I don't even realize them and I'll uproot everyone and realize too late that it was for the wrong reasons.

I think the only way to solve this is to make a pros and cons list.. Naturally I'll share with you and I expect you to jump in and tell me where I'm being unrealistic.  Tell me where I'm just being plum crazy too.  Maybe once it's down on paper , I'll be able to figure out if it's just be trying to bring more chaos into an already full life or if it's something that will truly benefit us all in the long run..


                  xoxo,