The Day My Life Changed pt 4

Catch up... Part 1 , part 2 and part 3.


Finally the EMTs were able to get my door open and asked me if I was okay to get up.  I assured them that I was fine, I had just hurt my hand.  And then I attempted to get out of the car.

"Oh FUCK!" 

Immediately followed by "Oh my gosh, I"m so sorry" came out of my mouth.  Up until that point in my life, I had never uttered the f word.  Kinda funny now considering the speed with with it leaves my lips now.

Getting out of the car, or rather attempting to get out of the car made me realize that perhaps I was more injured that I had previously thought.  My knee hurt like you wouldn't believe.  The EMTs pulled me out of the car as I quietly repeatedly my mantra "fuck, fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck".   My mother would have been so embarrassed had she been there.

Finally in the ambulance, they managed to shove me, Gma & Attitude King all in one ambulance while they took Drama Queen in her own.  The paramedics asked if I was okay going to the children's hospital vs the one closest to us because they felt that Drama Queen needed that.  Naturally I agreed.  I was warned that we would be going fast and with sirens blazing.   The single scariest day my life to that point.

I don't remember a lot of the actual hospital stay.  I was pretty drugged up.  Gma was released from the ER with a broken wrist - note : never put your hand thru the little inside handle of a car door, you may just break your wrist.  Attitude King was released with no injuries. Oddly enough, he was not 100% potty trained prior to the accident but he never had another accident afterwards. I think he was traumatized by the paramedics cutting his clothes off him in the ambulance looking for injuries.  He was a very lucky boy.  The force of the impact caused the 60/40 split to come undone and the stroller in the truck was shoving him forward.  He was bent over when the paramedics pulled him from the car.

Drama Queen spend a night or two (honestly, I didn't see her once we were admitted and have very little memory of the next several days) in the hospital.  She had bruises from her carseat (5 point harness) which is what she complained about the most.  On impact, her chest plate of her car seat broke and she was thrown forward into the back of the passenger's seat where she hit her head.  She ended up with 60 internal stitches to fix her forehead - she had cut it clear to the bone, hence the blood all over her face.  Thankfully they called in a pediatric plastic surgeon to fix her up.  She spent the next few days in her room and happily told her grandparents repeatedly that if you just push the magic (nurse) button, they will bring you ICE CREAM!  

Me- well I had broke my wrist (note: never stick your hand thru the steering wheel while driving, you  may just break your wrist), the engine was shoved back into the car & shattered my knee cap -  I had surgery the following day to remove the fragments of my knee cap , it was too damaged to repair at all and I was too young (the drs said) for an artificial one so I am now just kneecap-less on one leg, and also ruptured a disc in my back (surgery was a year later for that).  Along with the lovely bruises from airbags and seatbelts.. All things considered, I got off pretty light.  At least me and mine were still alive.   I spent a month or so in a wheelchair and then a few months with a walker.  Months of physical therapy.  Years of pain in that leg along with it giving out whenever it wanted to.

Today- well my Gma passed away several years ago, but she recovered completely.  Attitude King doesn't remember it at all.   Drama Queen remembers getting a catheter (very traumatic) and the magic ice cream button.  She spent years with bangs trying to cover up her scar but now it has faded some and as she grew, it moved up closer to her hairline- she has gotten over that insecurity and it doesn't affect how she wears her hair.  Me, I am doing good.  My leg has finally stopped giving out and doesn't cause me a ton of pain (Go LIMU!), my back doesn't seize up like it used to.  I'm pretty darn good.  I still have PTSD from the wreck.  The first time riding in a car (driving or not) on a slick road will throw me right back to that day and I can see it all over again.  Random things that happen in the car can throw me back there.  It's not fun, but it's something I've learned to live with.  I remind myself that at least I'm here to deal with it.


And that is the story of the day 13 years ago that changed my life. ..

The Day My Life Changed.. pt 3

Last time... we left off here.


My 2yo was sitting behind me and my 4yo was sitting behind my Gma.  So when I finally turned part way,  I was able to see my 4yo.  I'm pretty sure that was when I really panicked.

At this point, the volunteer emt/fireman had shown up.  They paused at the other car briefly and then came to my door.  I had been trying like mad to get my door open but it was stuck shut.  He briefly tried to get it open but failed as well.  I begged him to go to my daughter's door.

You see, when I turned around and was able to see her face.  It was covered in blood.  The EMT held her head back with one hand and asked me to help him get his glove on the other hand.  It was then that I realized that my wrist was broken and the silly hand wouldn't work to help him. 

Now I've seen my 4yo with her face covered in blood and she now realized she's bleeding and started crying along with her 2yo brother.  I'm frantically searching for my cell phone to call my husband and parents.  I'm panicking at the blood on my child who I had thought was surely fine because she was in the backseat in her car seat.

The ambulances arrived and started getting people out of the car.  Drama Queen (my 4yo) was taken out first and quickly whisked away.  Gma & Attitude King (my 2yo) were next.  I took a bit longer because my door was jammed shut.  While I sat there waiting on them to get my damn door open so I could rush to my kids, it suddenly dawned on me that no one was going to the other car.

That was when I looked at the other car closer.

It was facing away from me.

The driver had been thrown half out of the back windshield.  I later learned that he had been wearing his seatbelt..  While I was certain that we had hit his spinning car on the passenger side, apparently there was a final spin before we made contact and we t-boned him on the drivers side. 

The impact caused his seatbelt to explode.

He was killed instantly.

The weight of his death hangs heavily over me.  Although I know logically there is nothing I could have done to change it. Nothing I could have done differently, I still bear that weight.

Almost immediately after the realization that he was killed, came this screaming.  The screaming of a tortured soul.  I looked to the right and saw a woman standing there screaming "No, No. Oh God No." over and over and over.  She fought with the EMTs who held her back..

You see the boy who died was just 19.  He was following his girlfriend home from wedding dress shopping.  She had made it to the stop sign and when he never showed up behind her, she turned around to go see what had happened.  Instead of innocently finding him in the ditch, she came upon  our accident and was forced to see her loved one lying lifeless half in/ half out of his car.

Tears started rolling down my cheeks.  Tears that I fear will never completely stop.

13 years ago, I killed another soul.  Not intentionally but it was still my car that hit his.  The police say the accident was 'techinically' his fault but we all know that in most cases accidents are just that- accidents.  No one's fault.  But it's still there.  That stain on your soul knowing that no matter what you do,  you can't replace this life that you helped end.

I wonder many times if this is part of what led me to surrogacy and adoption.  To try to make rights in the world?  I'm probably psychoanalyzing myself here a bit too much.

The Day My Life Changed - pt 2

I'm writing this in bursts, little bits that I can handle without sinking me over the edge.  Last time, we left off here.


Quite honestly, at that time.. that day.. 13 years ago, I wasn't that paranoid about the roads.  It was a quiet road where you only met a car or two  normally and so I didn't have a worry in the back of my head. I just drove slower so I didn't hit any random piece of slush and have it pull me off the road.  How embarrassing.

And then it happened.

I came up over a small hill and what I saw took my breath away.

A car had apparently hit a random patch of black ice and somehow ended up spinning.

In front of me, suddenly there is a car spinning in circles but also still heading toward me.

I have no clue what speed he might have been going. I know that I only had time to scream "OH SHIT" and then I was hit with heat.

They say your life flashes in front of your eyes when you have a tramatic near death experience.  I can only say that that moment is forever paused in my mind.  The spinning car, my inability to do anything at all to stop the crash that was coming.

 I felt the heat of the airbag come out and smack me in the face.  The next thing I could see, my car was sitting in a field off to our right.  13 years and I still haven't figured out how we got tossed so far out into the field.  The other car was directly in front of me.

I am so thankful that some volunteer firemen /EMT were working on a farm near the wreck and heard the crash (another thing that surprises me because I don't remember any noise, just the heat and the spinning).  They called 911 and ran to help us.

One thing I will always regret- once I realized what had happened, I looked at my Gma sitting next to me.  Gma was in shock and completely out of it, so I kept screaming at her and trying to get her to snap out of it.  Never once did I worry about the kids in the back seat.  They were in their car seats so of course they were fine.  I was so naive.

Once Gma snapped out of her spell, other things slowly trickled in.  The sounds of my 2  crying and my 4yo saying Mommy.  I had a hard time turning around, and kept telling them "shhhh, it's okay.. you're okay."

Little did I know....

The Day My Life Changed - pt 1

This is a long story, and one that I've been trying to get out for years. I have given up trying to perfect it and am just going to tell it like it comes from my head. I will also warn you that due to the emotional content, I am not proofreading. Just writing it as is.

13 years ago, I was young.  I was twenty-three with a two and four year old.  It seems impossible to believe considering that four year old will be eighteen very soon.  :sigh:  The years go past so quickly when you aren't looking.

At twenty-three, I was very insecure about my weight.  I weighed then much less than I do now but to me, I felt fat and ugly.  A young mother who gained a total of 40 lbs and never succeeded in losing it all.   Quite frankly before I got pregnant, I weighed 125 and thought I was chunky.  What I wouldn't give for that now.  Hindsight and all.   If only I was that skinny again... as skinny as I was when I thought I was fat.

At that point in my life, I had been married 5 years. Yes, we were high school sweethearts and got married the summer after I graduated.  I was still insecure in my marriage.  I loved my husband with everything that I was, but I was very insecure with my looks , my weight, and my faith in his love for me.  And so I did what many insecure young girls do- I went to the doctor and asked for medication to help me loose my extra weight.  Mind you, I only had about 30lbs to lose to get to my pre-pregnancy weight but I went and asked for help.  I wanted the easy way out.  Give me a pill that will melt the fat off because I don't have time for anything else.  I'm not saying that these medications might not work- honestly I never had the chance to try long enough to find out.  One thing about these medications is that you have to come back in every month for a weight check and then they'll give you a new prescription for the next month.   This backstory really has nothing much to do with the overall point of this series of posts but it can help put you in my  mindset of where I was at that point in my life.

If only we could go back in time and talk to our younger selves.  Age is wisdom, looking back you realize all the silly things you stressed over really didn't mean much of anything in the grand scheme of things.

So, one fine December day, 13 years ago, there was snow on the ground.  At that time in our lives, Daddy Chaos had only been home from Saudi (an AirForce stint) for less than a year and was working 3rd shift.  3rd shift meant he slept during the day , which with a 2 & 4yr old it's not the easiest thing.  We had a small house and loud kids.  And so with the white snow so tempting, I gathered the kids up and went to my mom's house to go sledding.. We spent a bit of time visiting with my grandma (who always lived with my mom for as long as I can remember) and then bundled up and went outside to sled.   If you have ever taken two small children sledding, then you know that you spend twice as much time pulling them back up the hill as you do actually sledding down.  I wore myself and the kids out and we went back inside to warm up.

Eventually it was time to go to my first monthly  weight check appt, so I talked Gma into going with me so she could sit with the kids while I did my quick check. Gma was always happy to run around with me :-)

We headed out in my brand new Alero.  Man, I loved that car.  It was still brand new- we had only had it a month or two, hadn't even made a payment on it yet.  It was my baby.  I loved it and loved driving it.   Back in my younger years, I was a bit of a speed demon (shh, don't tell my mom!) but once I had kids, I drove slow with them in the car.  Also, due to a wreck that my oldest (then 5mo) and I were in with a friend, I was a paranoid driver.  I wasn't afraid of my ability to drive, but paranoid of all the other drivers on the road.  My kids are my everything and I wanted to be make sure they were always safe.

Remember that there is snow on the ground, plenty of snow for sledding but the roads were clear.  There was a little bit of slush in around the center line, if you live in a state that gets snow a lot then you know what I'm talking about.  It didn't affect the driving and you only noticed it if you were passing someone or turning left and had to cross it.

We eventually turned left and onto a different road that had a tiny bit of snow on it. I hit one small piece of black ice (omg , hate that) and immediately slowed down.  When I said I was a paranoid driver, I'm talking driving 40mph due to a tiny bit of slush.  Probably overly cautious, but I was that driver.

I took this picture today to try to illustrate the roads back then.  There was not even this much snow on the roads but you can kinda get the idea.. Plus how cool is this snow gif.. HA!  I love it! 

It was 13 years ago, but I can still remember every detail like it was yesterday...