Wednesday, December 2, 2015

The one with the Trauma #Adoption

**Due to scheduling issues - aka blogger hates me at times and likes to leave scheduled posts as drafts - this did not post in November with National Adoption month like it was planned. It's still an important message. **

It's National Adoption month and I felt that maybe this is the time to let this one out. It's not the face that we show of adoption many times.  But it's still a face that's out there.

Let's just start this out and say go here and read this.

Go ahead, I'll wait....

Did you read it ? 

This is the truth that most foster/adoptive parents feel at times.  The lie that you portray because you don't want to admit even to yourself how bad things can be at times.  The lie that makes everything look hunky dory when in reality you are questioning every decision you've ever made.

I'm not saying that every single foster/adoptive situation is like this.  Some will make the adjustment and coast along and have a grand ole time.   But sometimes, the trauma is too much to let go and put in the past.  Sometimes, it rears it's ugly had over and over again.    Sometimes, it makes you question everything despite the love.

I think we were fairly lucky - 3 out of 4 of our adopted kiddos escaped with the bare minimum of trauma from their pasts.  One was just not so lucky.  His situation is not unique, I believe it's more on how his brain has chosen to deal with the trauma he was dealt.  Some are able to shrug it off or bury it deep within themselves and move on to be happy, healthy individuals.  Some wear it like a badge and you know constantly the trauma that they deal with.  Still others, like ours- take it and tuck it into their pockets.  They walk around like 'normal' and life is a happy , well-adjusted place ... until it's not. They grab that trauma out of their pockets and all hell breaks loose.   This, to me, is the worst kind of trauma to deal with.  You never know what might trigger the meltdowns, the anger, the hatred.  You never know if you will have your loving happy family or one where one child repeatedly causes issues with every single family member.   So you sit and you wait... you wait for the shoe to drop, for your beloved perfect child to turn into the angry hateful resentful child for whom you can do no right.

I wish I could explain to you what causes the trauma and why it affects each child so differently.  3 of my children came home to me from the hospital, they have been with me their entire lives. 1 was tossed from drug house to drug house, subjected to unspeakable things and finally found her way to me at age 5.5. If she were my traumatized kid, I would well understand it.  I am thankful and surprised daily at how well she has adjusted into a normal happy tween.   Instead it is one of the 3 that came to me at birth.  Do I understand some of his issues?  Certainly !! Lots of hospital stays (despite the fact I was always beside him) can cause trauma, prenatal drug exposure is proven to cause trauma (rejection), and a birth mother who repeatedly showed favoritism to one child over the other (abandonment issues).  So can I understand why he has trauma? Yes, but it doesn't help us deal with it. Does this change how I feel about it? Do I regret adopting him??  Absolutely not.  All of my children are MY babies. Whether I birthed them or not, I love them the same.  Some just like to test those bonds a little more :)

This month we celebrate the Adoption Day anniversary of  Dimples & Fishing Pole.  I am thankful each and every day to have them in my life. .

1 comment:

Did you read the blog? Leave me a comment people.. I'm needy like that :)